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The trouble with censors is that they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any.

I don't like to talk about things when they're newsworthy, I'd rather take a while to try to de boggle the mind a bit first from the sheer mind boggling that it regularly receives. As I previously mentioned, I'm a bit flummoxed by some of the decisions going on at D.C. Comics. Let me explain; At the very same time that D.C. opted to alienate three million young female fans with their super sexy-sexed-up sexy, sex-sex slut makeover of Starfire, despite the success of the Teen Titans cartoon. At the very same time that they opted to transform Catwoman into little more then Batman's latex bound shlong sheath, whose buxumous funbags demand so much blood flow from her brain she can't operate a zipper. At the same time they did that, D.C. comics decided to appease the liberal feminist demographic and get rid of Powergirl's Boob window... What!?

Essentially, in a Universe where the average character's wardrobe consists of an airbrush, the offensive thing that needs correcting is that a strong female lead shows a completely reasonable amount of cleavage. (The interesting breast proportions displayed by our Kryptonian gal aside, someone on the street exposing that percentage of cleavage would not be unusual.) I mean, it's not like she's nothing but a sexed up sex object who does nothing but ridiculous sexy poses while having constant anonymous sex...

That would be silly.

Now I don't want to sound too much like a chauvinistic douche, but I have to be honest here. There have been previous attempts to change Powergirl's wardrobe, but they've flown as well as an aerodynamic anvil, made of neutron matter. Because Powergirl is not an interesting character, there, I said it. Is she so popular because of her interesting origin story, like Superman, of the Fantastic Four? No, it's been changed what, three times now? To no one noticing, or caring? She's so popular because D.C. happened across the perfect ratio of painted on latex and exposed flesh. She caught on not because of her compelling story, but because fanboys love drawing her. If you remove Powergirl's cleavage portal, what do you have? An extraneous Kryptonian, a half assed, feisty Supergirl clone without the iconic colour palette, and a bob cut.

Oh! Powergirl's Boob Window! (Jugg Portal? Bosom Oriel?) You're one of the three things I actually like about D.C. Comics!

Which brings up an interesting point. How the hell do Kryptonians get haircuts? They are invulnerable to any and all terrestrial materials. Shouldn't Superman be running around sporting massive dreadlocks and a wild bushman beard? Does Clark use an aligned system of mirrors to singe the ends off his hair with his heat vision? Maybe his alien physiology allow him to just will the length of his hair? It would seem logically necessary that there is a Kryptonite razor locked in a lead box at the fortress of solitude somewhere. Possibly a whole set of Kryptonite personal hygiene products, like Kryptonite nose hair trimmers. So does this mean that Supergirl receives a dangerous dose of radiation to her nethers with every bikini wax? Here I though all of the unnecessary incest involved was an obstacle to the success of the Kryptonian race. (Kryptonite deodorant? Man, Clark's puberty must have been even harder then just spending seven years in high school.)

While we're talking about it.

Please allow me to explain the sexual tension between Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle to D.C. comics. Catwoman (Kyle) is the world's greatest cat burglar (ergo the name.) She has mastered gymnastics, and martial arts and has taken thieving to masterful heights; To where her motivation is no longer money, but the challenge presented by the world's tightest security. Then along comes strong, mysterious Batman, someone who actually impresses her, who can catch her. Batman becomes a challenge, something she wants wrapped around danger and intrigue. Selina is attracted to Batman because of the game, like a diamond she's trying to steal his heart and escape victorious. It's the chase that's exciting, not the prize.
Bruce Wayne is an educated, good looking, billionaire playboy who could have any woman in the world. However his childhood trauma of witnessing his parents murder, has festered into the Batman, an alternate personality unrelentingly bent on avenging the wronged. (We've seen that the psychosis that created Batman is powerful enough to override not only Bruce Wayne's original personality, but also hypnosis, alien mind control, and any number of bizarre mental traps. ) In the last few decades Catwoman has been represented as a more sympathetic, Robin Hoodesque character, a criminal who focuses her efforts against bigger villains: Evil corporations, gangsters, and general douchebags. So in Catwoman, Bruce sees not only a hot chick in spandex, but an equal, a kindred spirit, someone who understands him on a deeper level then any normal person ever could. However, Batman is unrelenting and would not allow Bruce to accept her without her giving up her core nature. So she becomes both desirable and forbidden. So because they're both attracted, but giving into it would mean one or both of them would have to abandon their core ideologies and personalities, there's a lot of tension in their relationship. Tension generated by their ambivalent emotional sexuality, or 'sexual tension' if you will.
A resulting romantic relationship between Bruce Wayne and a reformed Selina Kyle is conceivable, and realistically probable in a long term view. (Say Catwoman caused something terrible to befall something/someone she held dear because of her free spirited super thief ways, giving Selina a guilt burden more equitable to Wayne's.) However, a sexual relationship between Catwoman and Batman is impossible. Should the events of the new 52's Catwoman #1 had occurred, Selina would have considered it a victory, and lost all interest in the chase, it would be over. Batman would turn upon whatever weakness in Bruce Wayne caused him to go against Batman, and it would be destroyed, along with any feelings towards Selina. Because nothing can defeat Batman, not even love.

It's like trying to explain to George Lucas that laser swords and casual racism isn't why people like Star Wars.
Also, go check out jordanmead for more cheesecake.

posted by davethecat @ March 17th, 2012, 3:05 pm  -  0 Comments

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