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Bio-inverter ray

An open letter to the Cannon engineering team responsible for creating my all-in-one office machine.

Dear sirs, madams, or potentially nightmarish horrors from beyond that stars what feed on human anguish,

As a professional super villain, I would like to applaud your efforts, and congratulate you on your truly brilliant acts of nefariousness you have so expertly unleashed upon the world. You managed to take a vary simple racket of charging $9 billion a barrel for printer ink, and transformed it into a malicious stratagem of pure beauty. To lock out all other features of the machine whenever an ink cartridge is low (regardless of the fact that the operations in question do not involve printing) forcing your end user to rush out to buy ink, even when they don't need it, is quite a clever business strategy. However, designing it to also keep all ink nozzles open, whenever this wifi network office machine is "on" thereby drying the ink in the cartridge until it registers as "empty" regardless of ink consumption, is a truly ingenious insight. Truly, from one malevolent misanthrope to another, I applaud you; Well played.

There is, however, I am so sad to report, the other hand, about to drop the other shoe. Which is that sometimes your end user just so happens to live in a secret subterranean arctic (inactive) volcano lair, and they happen to find it rather difficult to bop out to Staples during regular office hours to pick up a replacement ink cartridge to unlock the completely un-ink-related features of your scanner/printer/shredder/demonic portal. It should also be noted that the sort of person that tends to live in a secret subterranean arctic (inactive) volcano lair, also tends to be more of the egocentric, maniacal, megalomaniacal, psychotic, scramble your atoms across the cosmos with a hyper death beam sort of person. So it pains me to inform you that the flying cyborg monkeys have already been unleashed, and instructed to hunt you down to become the first test subjects of the bio-inverter ray. I would like to apologize for any inconvenience having your insides become your outsides may cause, but it is simply a matter of professional procedure, and I do hope you understand.

Sincerely, Dave the Cat. B.S.V.
(Bachelors of Super Villainy.)

To everyone not getting your various internal organs transposed to a fascinating new location, please go forth an enjoy the greatest holiday the year has to offer.

posted by davethecat @ October 31st, 2012, 10:31 am  -  0 Comments

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